


JohnKat Baseball AU

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-12 07:59:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2101773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John needs to prepare for a big match against Derse High school to impress his crush, Karkat Vantas. But is he good enough to do it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a hot day for John Egbert, he'd been practicing baseball all day. He'd recently had a hard loss to the rival school, Derse County High School. John had blamed himself, due to the fact he'd gained massive carpal tunnel from swinging the bat wrong too much. He didn't even have motivation to PLAY baseball; he just wanted to impress the star player, Karkat.  
"Man," John thought, "I want Karkat to grab my peppers." Karkat was a tall, mildy buff boy. He had thick black eyebrows and a mess of curly hair... and a pretty huge package between his legs. Karkat also never took off his basebaw cap, for the reason that John believes is the fact that Karkat is a dedicated man. John laid on the bench, waiting for his dad to pick him up and take him home so he could stuff his face with cake, pretending it was Karkat's ass. John sat up and stretched, he then put his hands together to pray. He needed to apologize to Jesus for his previous thought.  
"HEY EGBERT!" John's corn started growing at that comment, was that, Karkat?, "YOU WANNA HIT UP TACO BELL WITH ME AND SOLLUX?" John was a tomato with corn growing out of him.  
"I-I." John took a deep breath, "I'd love to Karkat, just lemme tell my dad." John pulled out his vintage flip phone and started texting his father where he was going. Sollux went into a fit of laughter, probably because John is a total fucking noob.  
"O-Okay!!" John said, "I'm ready to go!" Karkat then got on all fours. Sollux put a sadle on him and got comfortable. John was confused, "W-what are you guys doing?" Karkat's head did a sharp turn.  
"JOHN. ABOARD MY BACK." Karkat's eyes were more intense than when you overcook an egg. "NO QUESTIONS. YOU MUST RIDE ME." John became the tomato he was meant to be at that moment. John got behind Sollux, and wrapped his arms around him so he would not fall off. Karkat then lifted his butt high in the air and bucked forward. Karkat's arms and legs propelled at the speed of light. Sollux's snot and tears hit John in the face and that kinda turned him on in a weird way.  
Before John could blink, they were there. The Holy Land of Taco Bell. Sollux dismounted and before John could get off, Karkat stood and John stuck to his back where it combined with his butt.  
"U-uh Karkat?" John asked, "Aren't you going to take me off your ass?"  
"NO JOHN." Karkat said, "THIS IS PART OF YOUR TRAINING!" Karkat walked into Taco Bell with John sticking out of his ass. He strutted his stuff and ladies swooned and dudes grew fields of corn when they saw him. The cashier stared in fear as Karkat approached the counter. "HELLO. I WOULD LIKE YOUR SHITTIEST TACOS." Karkat unintentionally screamed.  
"But that's the whole menu!" said the cashier.  
"I KNOW AND I WANT THEM ALL." Karkat was then plagued by comments like 'Oh he's so bold and brave and hot!' and 'Oh I want that Karkat boy to cultivate my corn!' The cashier rushed to boil the tacos. She came back with a heaping plate of semen and hamburger buns. John feared for his life. "I'M GOING TO SWALLOW IT ALL!" Karkat reached and grabbed John. John's hair was gelled up so much that Karkat would use the spikes as a fork. He scarfed that Taco Bell like a cow scarves up grass.  
When Karkat was finished, he wiped his face with John's ass and stuck him back on his back again. Karkat lay on the Taco Bell floor, passed out with John sitting on top of him. The cashier was phoning the FBI. The other customers had grabbed John and Karkat and started chanting while lifting them. Karkat recognized a member of the rival team, Dave Strider, in the mob. This scandal was to be in the School Magazine. John looked around and realized they were in a corn field. Alone. Where did the mob go?  
"JOHN." Karkat had awoken. "THIS IS THE FINAL POINT OF YOUR TRAINING."  
"W-what?" John said.  
"JOHN. I MUST ASK YOU, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I HAVE A SECRET?"  
"Karkat, what does this mean..."  
"JOHN, I'M HALF HORSE." Karkat admitted. "I HAVE A HORSE DICK."  
"Karkat, why are you telling me this?"  
"BECAUSE I WANT TO ASK YOU, WILL YOU DATE ME AND BE MY LITTLE CORN BITCH?"  
"Oh of corse!" John said, "I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE A HORSE DICK!"  
"GOOD. I'LL INTRODUCE YOU." Karkat started unzipping his pants, John knew Karkat was probably joking and couldn't wait for a mouth full of his Taco Bell tainted seed. When Karkat was done unzipping, out came a ...pony head? "JOHN. MEET RAINBOW DASH." "20% COOLER!" Rainbow Dash, Karkat's "dick" shouted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John learns to Live with Karkat's Horse head dick, or does he

John lay in bed, arms outstretched and legs clutching a Dean Koontz book so it rested on his disgusting penis. He was still thinking about how Karkat had a horse head where his dick should've been. Karkat had explained everything: He was a hardcore necromancer when he was 13 and accidentally summoned a horse where his crotch was. He pissed outta his fingernail slits now, which would make eating awkward. He also ejaculates from his every pore, leaving him with a thick protective coat of his own seed. The Dean Koontz book suddenly popped up,  John's corn had finished growing for today, and he decided to eat the corn. Metaphorically. He grabbed his big weener, dipped it in paint, and dragged it against his wall. This continued for an hour, John has been enamored in the bliss of painting his bedroom wall with his dick, and then he remembered Karkat's horsehead dick.  John went so soft his corn was pretty much decomposing. John looked up at the paint smeared on his wall.

A a full body shot of Goku in Bible clothing coated the wall, and John shed a tear. He pulled his dick up to his face:

"I'm so proud of you buddy," John whispered to his cock, "you're going places." John looked at the clock; it was 4 am on a Sunday, perfect time to go and eat some cottage cheese. John tread downstairs quietly, if he woke his dad he'd be in big trouble. John went to the kitchen and grabbed some ccccccccheese. He looked around for some paper, but he couldnt find any, so he ripped off his briefs and wrapped them around the cheese. He found a lighter and he. He blazeed. Blased the xheesse. Plaze it motherfuck. John lifted the cheese to his lips and he huffed and puffed. Hella Dank. John then took the freshly blazed cheese and shoved it up his asshole, squishing it just right. yeah.

John woke up the next day laying on the couch, he looked at the time and it was 10 AM. He was late for school! As John dashed out of his house, he realized that his dick had not moved from the couch, and it was several hundreds of feet long. Paint and cheese was being smeared everywhere, but he had no time for that. John ran past Rose Lalonde from Derse Highschool as he was making his way to Prospit High, and even though Karkat was his crush, he couldn't help but get a bonder at the sight of her, and his 500 ft cock stiffened, making it harder for John to run. When John arrived at school, his sociology teacher, Kankri passed out in shock. This made John very embarrassed, Kankri was Karkat's dad. Several of the students had left the room, all that remained was Sollux, Terezi and Karkat. Solluz was photographing John for his blog, Terezi was smelling the air, and Karakat was crying.

"JOHN SAN... OH NO." Karkat whimpered, "YOU HAVE THE STRETCHY COCK."

"What does that mean?" John asked.

"IT MEANS, YOUR DICK CAN GROW TO ANY LENGTH, SOMETIMES AT WILL." Karkat looked to the end of his long member, "IT PROBABLY GOT STUCK ON SOMETHING THIS TIME, BECAUSE YOU HAD NOT DISCOVERED YOUR POWERS." Karkat grabbed John's hand, "WILL YOURSELF TO SHRINK IT JOHN." John closed his eyes and concentrated as hard as he can, and he propelled back home, and his dick was stuck to the couch by some cheese. Karkat was appalled, John had fucked his own ass.

"Karkat, there's something I need to tell you." John said, "I realized, since my dick is weird now, I accept your horse head." Karkat was crying, this waas the sweeptest thin gthat has ever graced his face.

"OH JOHN," Karkat brought John into a hug, "YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR TRAINING!" Karkat reached in his pants and pulled off Rainbow Dash. "MY DICKW AS NEVER A HORSE ANYWAYS BUT YOU HAVE THE STRECHY OCK SO ITS NOT A GOOD THING. WE MUST FIND HORSE HEAD COCOK"

"Karkat what does this have to do with baseball?"

"John, all you know about baseball is a hallucination, the game is just a front put up but us so we can fight to the death. Derse and propti have been doing this for severeal thousand of year"

Oh shit fuck

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you madfe it this far I bless you ywith a big mac


	3. Chapter 3

John was nervous, after years of training with Karkat. (2 minutes in real time, baseball time is differnt) he had finalyl becoome the best. but sadly this was just a fantasty that Karkat had while he was masturbating. John was still a pathetic fuck, and he neede to learn that basebaw was a very importatn task. bc it was what connected ekarkat and johns worlds. alternia and earth. alternia is a plant with trolls and who am i kidding. if youre reading this fic you probbly read homsetuck so im not going into detail. Well Karkat had a nasty secret. and that was an alien. he had two weird horns coming out of his head, and one coming out of his ass, which made it very very hard to shit. but he dont care. he gets  a REAL TRUE EDUCATION


End file.
